Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
