im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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