we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
