My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
