If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
