Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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