Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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