Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
