What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
