I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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