He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
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Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
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So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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