Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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