Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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