Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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