hell yes lets make some ravioli
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
