there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
