How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
