You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
