dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
