I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize