just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
