I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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