The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
