We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
