I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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