She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
