I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
