dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
