i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
