Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Can I color on your dick again?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
