I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
