What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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