DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
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I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
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This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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