The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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