your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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