Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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