i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
