I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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