i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
