walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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