I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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