Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
