We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
