Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
