Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
