So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
