So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
