Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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