Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
