Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
