I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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