"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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