Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
