one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
