What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?